Friday, June 20, 2008
For example, if you invite a desi to your place for, let's say, a 6 PM dinner, and you expect them to come on time -- well then you'll see this kind of scene play out:
You (able-bodied, well-intentioned caucasian): Gee, where is Raja (your friend's name is actually Indira, but you can't be bothered to actually remember funny-sounding foreign names so you throw in the title of the tiger from Aladdin)?
(phone rings, you pick up)
You: Where are you? It's 8:30!
Indira: Yeah, exactly, man, it's 8:30. That means I still got an hour!
You: But I invited you at 6:00!
Indira: Well, I'm getting here by 9:30, so by desi time I'm still at least a half hour early.
Indira: What more do you expect? Don't sass me, whitey.
You: Yes you're right, I apologize. ;_;
Something like that, anyway.
So M. Night Shyamalan, America's most famous Indian director, has come out with a new thriller, The Happening. His flick was skewered by the critics, scoring a 19% over at Rottentomatoes. The film was derided as having akward acting, a contrived plot, and a weak, anticlimatic ending.
The comments on the popular movie-hub IMDB.com were scathing. One user wrote, "The script was just bad. Some of the lines were pretty laughable...Its really dissapointing considering this is by the same guy that wrote the Sixth Sense."
As a proud angry desi myself, I have to reply to that by saying: exactly. The aforementioned user is raging because he or she expects more from the writer-director of The Sixth Sense. Therein lies the genius of the desi race. We are completely fine with making one great achievement -- for our moms to brag about at dinner parties -- and then just sitting on our ass and expecting the world to love us for it. Don't believe me that this is The Happening was so underachieving? Check out this interview with M. Night Shyamalan. In it, Shyamalan admits that he set out to make his new film a "b-movie." A b-movie is a low-budget, low-quality film, that usually is a result of bad directing (it's not intentional).
But Shyamalan is fine with putting so little effort into a movie intentionally. He doesn't have to put very much into it for it to make a hefty profit -- more than 30 million in its opening weekend, as a matter of fact.
So, Shyamalan, continue to be the lazy desi who continues to reap the profits that come from the name-value of making one really good film and then not even trying later on. It's exactly what you were born to do.
Lazy and proud, Indian-American director-writer M. Night Shyamalan
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
And now, a group of Black men have just walked by. The articulate album critic has suddenly hushed his tone progressively until upon seeing the black men move out of earshot, he eventually begins his insightful commentary once again. "er uh yeah nigga that ish is so hot"
My friends, you have all just witnessed the antics of the typical digger. What is a digger you ask? Well, its basically the desi version of wigger, a clever construct by myself and Zaid. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy listening to rap quite a bit. In fact, I love the nineties west coast gangster rap and even wear my pants below my waist on occassion.
However, these are the Pakistanis and Indians who have grown up in pleasant suburban neighborhoods, drive decent or nice cars bought by their parents but decide that Rocawear, bumping 50 Cent and speaking in ebonics is oh so natural and cool. Remember, there's nothing tougher than a 5'7'', anorexic looking Indian 17 year old with cubic zirconium in his ears walking around with a scowl. That's right, these people actually make wiggers look better.
"But Maharaj, how can they make white people look better!? At least diggers are brown and some even have black skin!"
WRONG. And if you're desi, I am even more disgusted by you asking that. Do you know why? Because your parents came to America to make more money, and to give their children(your useless asses) the chance to grow up in a better environment than they did and/or have better opportunities for a happy and successful future. Instead, we have suburban desis completely turning their backs on their parents, acting ashamed of the fruits of their parents' labor, pretending to be ghetto fabulous by wearing baggy jeans. How ridiculous. Instead of children who are proud to be decently educated and raised, we have idiots who feel it necessary to say 'aye nigga' every third word in a sentence but are terrified of saying it around somebody who is actually Black. I dont think even Project Pat says nigga that much. White people get a less harsh treatment, because, face it. They often don't have the cultural background desis do, and have no clue what the hell they can do make themselves more interesting, besides buy another leash for their dog or support an arbitrary cause with a bracelet made in godless and evil China. I expect better out of my brothers and sisters!
Worse yet, are the desi girls who buy into this shit. Boys are known to take longer to grow up and brown ego makes change impossible. But desi women, I expect better from you(just kidding, you're probably stupid but pretend you're not for a minute)! Oh what, you think wearing puffy jackets, talking and acting like uneducated single Mexican mothers from Inglewood is the way to go? YoU a Str8 GAnxTa ByTcH? Have some self dignity, jesus christ. Nobody is saying to be a halal hijabi with a pussy tighter than a pair of sandals on a Chinese girl in the 18th century, but please realize stupidity for what it is. There is nothing cool about being broke. There is nothing cool about being uneducated. If that was the case, your parents would have been more than happy to drop you off in the slums of Mumbai so you could grow up to be cooler than Vanilla Ice.
On3 lUv MaH NiGGaz DoiN it ReaL BiG!~
You see, this is normal for Desis. We don't go anywhere or do anything on time. Or at least White People's Time (decided by things like clocks, schedules, agendas, and alarms on your BlackBerry) -- we more or less do stuff when we feel like it (this will be all explained in a future post).
CURRY -- Creating Understable Reverse-Racism Year-round -- is certainly not defunct. We Desis of the world are still very much planning the destruction of every member of your Caucasian race.
Especially after dating one.
I know exactly the thoughts that are running through all of your heads right now.
Jesus Christ! They're sleeping with our women! Guess I better start usin' protection, and tell the Missus that if she wanted someone who was small down there [sic: author's note, the myth of asian smallness will be covered in future posts], she should'a gotten a Chink.
Well, rest-assured, my lighter-skinned friends, that arc of my life is over. It's true, any Desi can just about pick up any white chick he wants, because they're easy as hell to pick up. All you have to do is throw some money in their face, tell them you're studying for some kind of liberal arts, law, or business degree, and treat 'em to some kind of Asian Fusion place downtown a couple of times and they'll trip over themselves in a mad attempt to make love to your cultured, sophisticated self -- complete with lines like "Stop being so interesting! (in reference to a throwaway line to traveling to Pakistan once) or "I wish I wasn't white" (now who could blame you for that?).
And therein lies the rub. To be with a white girl, you have to continually prove to her that you're some kind of sensitive, worthy, appreciative male who reads Sartre and wants to "connect with her" on some kind of New Agey, pseudospiritual level. If you fail to do that, your gal will run off away from with you some kind of idea that she just can't have a deep and committed relationship with you, because she's just an explorer in the Big Game of Life and she feels suffocated by the fact that you don't live up to her obscene post-Enlightenment ideas about love and life.
Not that that's what happened to me. Of course not.
It's true, there are hot white women on the planet, who no self-respecting man -- whether it be a morally corrupt and fiscally incompetent Caucasian or superior-in-every-way Desi -- would be able to look at without involuntarily uttering the words, "I'd tap that, go watch Bend It Like Beckham, and then tap it again while chomping on some Chana-Puri." Like Scarlett Johanson. If that doesn't get you up, then you need to be castrated.
"I'm only this color on the outside."
Still, these exceptions (Meg Ryan, Keira Knightley if the damn girl learned to eat, and Rachel Weisz are included here) to the White-Girls-Are-Too-Sensitive-And-Don't-Put-Out Rule do not really justify risking the white girl pool. The chance that the Caucasian woman you pick up at a party is one of the four aforementioned women is very slim -- something in the range of one in oh-God-these-white-women-never-shut-up-just-make-out -- thus it is a rational and mathematically justified choice to avoid them altogether. See, logic solves everything.
Again, this has nothing to do with my recent disastrous relationship with a white girl that I am using to judge all white girls on the planet. That's impossible. It can't be that I'm just bitter and we don't talk anymore and JESUS CHRIST WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE AFRAID OF HURTING ME YOU'RE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW YOU B-
The moral of the story is, don't go white with your booty. It just isn't worth it. You want a woman who heeds your beck and call, and doesn't read Betty Friedan or support the nineteenth amendment and puts out as a matter of womanly responsibility.
You want a brownie.
"I don't read obscure philosophy books or take out stupid subprime mortgage loans. And I like to do it with samosas involved.
The best places to find one are any place where they sell things cheap, have food that's not bland (avoid anything European, which you should do as a general rule anyway), and have spontaneous dancing.
Good luck and good hunting, gentlemen.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
I know the reaction from our white readers: "Wait just one Anglo Saxon minute! He just went after our cookin'!"
Don't worry, us Desis are willing to go after your food, your women, your driving style (who are the COPS to tell ME I can't drive on the left side of the road?), your "romance" films (more like I-can't-admit-to-wanting-pornography-right-now-so-I'll-just-settle-for-this), your public officials (yes the Desi world has idiot politicians but at least ours don't drop a MOAB on someone's house as a snafu) , and every other element of your utterly inferior and outdated lifestyle.
It's all part of the Grand Desi Conspiracy's plan Creating Understandable Reverse Racism Year-round (CURRY).
My friends, CURRY is the solution to despicable, tasteless, and bland white peoples' food. CURRY is the only thing that can spice up this horrible debacle. With our Reverse Racism we will force the white culture to either Desi-ize or face utter elimination.
Let us begin.
Observe, an item of white peoples' food:
This stuff is the ire of every primary school kid's dinner. The white mom will say something like this, "Eat your vegetables, Jimmy, so that you can grow up big and strong and ready to drive your SUV over some indigenous person's tribal burial grounds while listening to Rush Limbaugh and fantasizing about a life-sized inflatable Brittany Spears blow-up doll laying in the backseat."
Let me tell you something, white moms (those of you who still "cook"; feminism is a future target of CURRY): you want your kids to "eat their vegetables" -- try actually cooking it the right way:
THIS is how you cook yourself some vegetables. Slap some curry on it; some cayenne, some good old-fashioned SPICES. That's how you get your kids to eat some good food: make it TASTE GOOD.
Speaking of spices, no wonder the Europeans killed tens of millions of damn people trying to get ahold of the spice trade. Heck, I'D DO THE SAME THING if my food sucked so much.
So, all white women of the world -- now is the time to redeem yourselves. Those of you who still believe in cooking for your (preferably brown) man need to get yourself a copy of the closest Desi cookbook and do everything you can to cast away spiceless, bland, awful, dry Western food and replace it with something, you know, edible.
So all of you suffering under the slave masters of white peoples' food, UNITE. The only thing you have to lose is dishes like "liver and onions." Ugh. I need some samosas just to clean the taste of that phrase out of my mouth.
Thursday, March 1, 2007
brown /braʊn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[broun] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, adjective, -er, -est, verb
1. a dark tertiary color with a yellowish or reddish hue.
2. a person whose skin has a dusky or light-brown pigmentation.
3. of the color brown.
4. (of animals) having skin, fur, hair, or feathers of that color.
5. sunburned or tanned.
6. (of persons) having the skin naturally pigmented a brown color.
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
7. to make or become brown.
8. to fry, sauté, or scorch slightly in cooking: to brown onions before adding them to the stew. The potatoes browned in the pan.
9. brown out, to subject to a brownout: The power failure browned out the southern half of the state.
10. browned off, Slang. angry; fed up.
11. do it up brown, Informal. to do thoroughly: When they entertain, they really do it up brown.
You cant argue with dictionary.com It even knows that being brown means association with fur.
And guess what? You're probably going to end up with somebody brown. So what's all this bullshit I hear from desi guys and girls who constantly talk shit about their potential mates or even their girlfriends, insulting how they look, constantly praising members of other ethnicities. How DO they look? Slightly long noses? Brown skin? Large eyes? Lotta hair on their balls? Why are any of these bad things? Is it because Cosmo doesnt have girls named Priya with cute little pierced noses on the cover?It's really shameful how desis have turned even against themselves, believing years of media brainwashing from garbage like MTV. Is blonde hair really that amazing? Does your man really need orange skin before they can ask you out? Desi girls are quite beautiful and desi men are good looking as well without all that nonsense, thank you very much.
From what I've personally noticed, the desi girls who hate desi guys usually have some daddy issues. What? Did daddy call you a slut? Did daddy not spend enough time at home? Did daddy cheat on mom? That's not cool, but dont act like it somehow brands an entire population of desi guys as that. and besides, maybe you are a slut. Sheesh. Ever think of that?!
And Im not hating on interracial dating, because that's totally cool. But being spiteful towards your own brothers and sisters because of your fucked up family? What a sad perspective to have about an entire population. Im looking at the desis who say they only date white people. And guess what? You're probably going to marry a fellow desi. It could be the super white washed desi guy who says bro after every sentence(im single ladies) or the coconut oil slick backed fob your parents picked out for you. You might as well get used to it unless you want to be disowned and branded a whore.
Summary: You're going to marry a desi person and will have lots of kinky kama sutra inspired sex.