Tuesday, March 6, 2007

White Food

It has come to my attention, being a student at a major public university in America that adores it some white food, that this so-called "food" really does suck.

I know the reaction from our white readers: "Wait just one Anglo Saxon minute! He just went after our cookin'!"

Don't worry, us Desis are willing to go after your food, your women, your driving style (who are the COPS to tell ME I can't drive on the left side of the road?), your "romance" films (more like I-can't-admit-to-wanting-pornography-right-now-so-I'll-just-settle-for-this), your public officials (yes the Desi world has idiot politicians but at least ours don't drop a MOAB on someone's house as a snafu) , and every other element of your utterly inferior and outdated lifestyle.

It's all part of the Grand Desi Conspiracy's plan Creating Understandable Reverse Racism Year-round (CURRY).

My friends, CURRY is the solution to despicable, tasteless, and bland white peoples' food. CURRY is the only thing that can spice up this horrible debacle. With our Reverse Racism we will force the white culture to either Desi-ize or face utter elimination.

Let us begin.

Observe, an item of white peoples' food:


This stuff is the ire of every primary school kid's dinner. The white mom will say something like this, "Eat your vegetables, Jimmy, so that you can grow up big and strong and ready to drive your SUV over some indigenous person's tribal burial grounds while listening to Rush Limbaugh and fantasizing about a life-sized inflatable Brittany Spears blow-up doll laying in the backseat."

Let me tell you something, white moms (those of you who still "cook"; feminism is a future target of CURRY): you want your kids to "eat their vegetables" -- try actually cooking it the right way:

THIS is how you cook yourself some vegetables. Slap some curry on it; some cayenne, some good old-fashioned SPICES. That's how you get your kids to eat some good food: make it TASTE GOOD.

Speaking of spices, no wonder the Europeans killed tens of millions of damn people trying to get ahold of the spice trade. Heck, I'D DO THE SAME THING if my food sucked so much.

So, all white women of the world -- now is the time to redeem yourselves. Those of you who still believe in cooking for your (preferably brown) man need to get yourself a copy of the closest Desi cookbook and do everything you can to cast away spiceless, bland, awful, dry Western food and replace it with something, you know, edible.

So all of you suffering under the slave masters of white peoples' food, UNITE. The only thing you have to lose is dishes like "liver and onions." Ugh. I need some samosas just to clean the taste of that phrase out of my mouth.

Thursday, March 1, 2007

You're Going to Marry a Brownie. Deal With It.

I think a lot of desis in America and probably all over the world need a damn reality check. YOU'RE BROWN. Even if you're the palest mother fucker or the darkest wesley snipes looking clone, you're still brown. I know you're brown, your cousin knows you're brown, and the white kids who think your dad wears a turban, sounds like Apu, and then throw in a camel jockey stereotype know you're brown. I know, this is some harsh shit for a lot of you there, but I feel as if it was my duty to enlighten the current generation about the rammifications of being brown, and coming to terms with it.

brown /braʊn/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[broun] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, adjective, -er, -est, verb
1. a dark tertiary color with a yellowish or reddish hue.
2. a person whose skin has a dusky or light-brown pigmentation.
3. of the color brown.
4. (of animals) having skin, fur, hair, or feathers of that color.
5. sunburned or tanned.
6. (of persons) having the skin naturally pigmented a brown color.
–verb (used with object), verb (used without object)
7. to make or become brown.
8. to fry, sauté, or scorch slightly in cooking: to brown onions before adding them to the stew. The potatoes browned in the pan.
—Verb phrase
9. brown out, to subject to a brownout: The power failure browned out the southern half of the state.
10. browned off, Slang. angry; fed up.
11. do it up brown, Informal. to do thoroughly: When they entertain, they really do it up brown.

You cant argue with dictionary.com It even knows that being brown means association with fur.

And guess what? You're probably going to end up with somebody brown. So what's all this bullshit I hear from desi guys and girls who constantly talk shit about their potential mates or even their girlfriends, insulting how they look, constantly praising members of other ethnicities. How DO they look? Slightly long noses? Brown skin? Large eyes? Lotta hair on their balls? Why are any of these bad things? Is it because Cosmo doesnt have girls named Priya with cute little pierced noses on the cover?It's really shameful how desis have turned even against themselves, believing years of media brainwashing from garbage like MTV. Is blonde hair really that amazing? Does your man really need orange skin before they can ask you out? Desi girls are quite beautiful and desi men are good looking as well without all that nonsense, thank you very much.

From what I've personally noticed, the desi girls who hate desi guys usually have some daddy issues. What? Did daddy call you a slut? Did daddy not spend enough time at home? Did daddy cheat on mom? That's not cool, but dont act like it somehow brands an entire population of desi guys as that. and besides, maybe you are a slut. Sheesh. Ever think of that?!

And Im not hating on interracial dating, because that's totally cool. But being spiteful towards your own brothers and sisters because of your fucked up family? What a sad perspective to have about an entire population. Im looking at the desis who say they only date white people. And guess what? You're probably going to marry a fellow desi. It could be the super white washed desi guy who says bro after every sentence(im single ladies) or the coconut oil slick backed fob your parents picked out for you. You might as well get used to it unless you want to be disowned and branded a whore.

Summary: You're going to marry a desi person and will have lots of kinky kama sutra inspired sex.